Manifesto

Why I do Sex Work

Our society was founded by well meaning folk that fled persecution and had an idea of a beautiful new world. It was founded on good principles of kindness, loyalty, purity, etc.

These are all wonderful concepts. I love, and live them all. 

The problem with this scenario is the problem with everything. Every concept is experiential. To genuinely understand something, you have to go through it somehow. It must be internalized to truly be owned by each individual. 

A person who has worked hard appreciates money. We have the expression "shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations". Grandpa is poor, works hard, paves the way, creates a foundation. Dad takes the ball and runs with it. Makes a huge corporation/endeavor. Kid grows up wealthy. Didn't have to do anything for it. No idea how to work. Can't support himself. Becomes a lush. Is completely crippled by his lack of understanding of what it takes to create that kind of wealth. 

A person who has developed a meaningful friendship will treat that friend with kindness for his own benefit, not because he will go to heaven for it. 

And a person who has had a brush with death naturally appreciates his life just a little more, and worries about minutia just a little less. 

These are concepts that are impossible to prescribe. The satisfaction of a job well done after working your ass off all day. Knowing you have a tribe that has your back because you've always had theirs. Seeing your life flash before your eyes and realizing you do kinda like it here, and that maybe you wanna eat a little more kale.

Yet, in our efforts to create an orderly and honorable society, we try nonetheless. With Sunday school and nursery rhymes and fables with morals. 

The second issue at play here is our lack of understanding of our own deep nature as humans. 

We often default to thinking of ourselves as our consciousnesses. Our intellects. But we are as much our bodies as anything, whether we will admit it or not. 

And as long as we refuse to admit it, we will continue to be played by it. 

We evolved with two main directives. The first is survive. The second is propagate. This is nothing new or shocking. It's foundational.

We like to think of other animals as having instincts, but that we are logical. 

Bullshit! 

You are an animal with instincts. 

*I call these "things you know that you don't know you know".

Why do men go for T&A? (Tits and Ass)

Titties are survival. Nice asses are usually connected to good childbearing hips. Clear skin and good smells signify health. You are sensing a woman that will be a great mother. She will survive to carry on your line. 

Only it's not the hairs on the back of your neck that are rising in response to this 6th sense of yours. It's a much more obvious indicator. It's as if your body doesn't want you to miss an opportunity. Your dowsing rod awakens and points toward the goal. 

Why are women suckers for broad shoulders and biceps? Why do rich men continue to get the young, hot women?

Women are looking for survival just as much. For themselves and for their offspring. Food, shelter and protection. It's heady and irresistible to feel safe. To feel provided for. To feel protected. 

We are also, as creatures, wired to receive touch. We thrive on it. Our development is thwarted without it. Study after study shows it. 

So, to combine this perfect storm, we have a world full of creatures that need physical touch for their very survival and development (and this doesn't magically stop when you reach a certain age. We always need touch!)

We are wired to go through the motions of procreation through millennia of it being tied to our survival.

And we are trying so hard to be "good" by some set of well-meaning, but misdirected, half-informed societal constructs.

It's a no-win situation. 

What we have created is an entire nation of men that are sexually repressed and confused, and have no good way to deal with it. 

You have the men that go the "decent route". They get married young, and have kids. They do their best to provide, but of course, it's a set-up. People have been raised on "Prince Charming", "Happily Ever After", and "You complete me." 

We say to each other that we don't believe in that fairy-tale nonsense, but we continue to hold our significant others responsible for our own well being. Our very sense of "okay-ness". 

So, more often than not (MUCH more often), it ends in failure and bitterness. How can it not? Resentment builds, because nobody can live up to the expectations of Mr. Darcy. The weight of expectation put on a presumably once delightful relationship squishes all the whimsy, spontaneity, delight and fun right out; and sexual encounters become strained or non-existent. 

This creates a man with huge physical need. Not just desires. Legitimate needs, like food and exercise. With no "decent" way for him to fulfill them. 

He either must become what society labels a "creep". He looks at porn, or "steps out", or finds some other outlet, which, by definition will be socially unacceptable. Or else stays "pure" and becomes completely frustrated. He can barely see straight at work, much less spend extra energy on mission and growth. 

Scenario two is the rogue. The philanderer. The man that sees the bullshit of the cultural box; the wife, 2.5 kids, picket fence etc., and won't do it. He gets labeled a "player", because he doesn't want to commit to the set-up. 

There is no way to win in our current social environment. 

We can go to a bar and try to meet someone. Cuz that's where your soulmate is surely hanging out, right? 

We can get on dating apps. We can play the game of expectation and dancing around trauma. 

Meanwhile, our physical needs are going unmet. 

Deep, meaningful relationships are wonderful. They are also not always available. A person should still be able to have basic human needs addressed in the interim.

There are also many wonderful, connected, beautiful relationships that are lacking a physical component for whatever reason. Many of these relationships don't survive because of the one missing element. What could have been beautiful and supportive is sabotaged by an inability to think with a broader perspective of sharing and growth. 

Our societal attempt at creating stability and community was the monogamous family unit. It's not wrong, if it works for you. But it's not the only way. 

The problem with that being the cultural expectation, is that it doesn't allow for any other choice of lifestyle to fall within the scope of "acceptable behavior". 

Thus we have been raised to think that having more than one relationship is cheating, or sleeping around. We are jealous. We can't abide the thought of our lover receiving attention from anyone else. 

As if it threatens us when our friends have other friends. 

Or, a better example may be our children. Someone we love deeply, and whose welfare we unquestionably want above all else. 

Do we get jealous when another mom feeds our kid lunch at a playdate?

Do we get butt-hurt if our kid tells us that they had a great time over at their friend's house?

Would we slash the tires of someone that pulled over to help the child that fell off their bike?

Of course not. The very idea is ridiculous.

Why then, can we not accept love shown to our partners from other sources. Especially sources we are not able to provide for them ourselves? 

Have you ever tried to be everything for another person? Especially an expectational, traumatized human with a different background than you? It's really hard. 

If your partner loves Dostoyevsky, and you just think that sounds like a great Vodka, maybe it's great that she has a lover that can satisfy that cerebral urge, and you don't have to feel the pressure to even try (sigh of relief). Or maybe she finally found someone that REALLY digs the home and garden show. That sounds like a guy that's on your team to me! 😂

Having other partners in a relationship is a win for everyone, if the notions of jealousy and exclusivity are overcome. But that's another discussion. 

In summary, 

1. The way we think about sexuality and relationship is more of a conditioning from our puritanical roots than a necessary state for human growth. 

2. We need physical touch to thrive.

3. Our bodies are hardwired to procreate.

4. Rethinking the way we engage with one another will open opportunities for connection, growth, joy, adventures, and so much more, if we can overcome the expectations we have simply been programmed to believe and victimized by.

My goals are:

1. To create awareness and understanding of the problem.

2. To do my best to provide a responsible outlet for this hugely important human need.